Does feelings of inadquecy ever go away?

So here's the deal.  I'm happy for my friends who are getting engaged and married.  YAY go them!  But there's the "what about me" feeling that seems to periodically penetrate my persona.  Its hard.  Multiple friends who are all younger than me lately have been getting engaged and married.  I was talking to three good friends today who all agreed that its hard.  But the issue is putting your feelings of frustration and anger aside and to be happy for your friends.  This is something admittedly I'm working on.  Someone asked me today what it would like  I said if I had my dream, my response then I would be married with 2.5 kids and a steady job.  (In this case the half means pregnant not anything horrible but it took me a while to explain this)  I remember when I was in high school (an all girl's school) we used to joke around to a jewish folk song "oooh I know there is a boy for me I just don't know where he could be..."  I guess I never thought many years after this time in my life I'd still be wondering the same question.  Notice I'm not telling you how many years its been.  I'm trying to not date myself ;-) 
I was talking to another friend in shul and explained recently that a mutual friend of ours has decided to be shomer negiah (aka not touch the opposite gender) with just me.  I'm trying to figure out how to not take it offensively that he doesn't want a hug from me but is willing to touch other girls.  Hopefully the next post will continue my wonderful trend of all the guys that I've supposedly dated. 

So It's been a long time...
I got myself into trouble 2 years ago I posted on the blog something, took it down, and lost a bunch of friends in the process.  My feeling at this point is oh well.  So my life is amusing and ridiculous. 
1. I worked Xmas.  Its a very odd feeling walking from one place to another in the morning and there was no one was around.  Usually on my way to work I'm surrounded by people and its hard to cross the main st.  Xmas was great periodically.  Work went from boring to insane.  One of the saddest experiences I've ever had I got called to the ER a pt had passed away and her sister needed support.  I went down there.  Towards the end of the time she kissed her sister on the forehead said goodbye and walked away.  I almost burst into tears right then and there.  The other factor was that although I am a religious Jew I'm still a firm believer in Murphy's law.  You can call it Karma, you can call it bad luck, me I just think of it as Murphy's law.  Generally working in the medical field means that your day is supremely busy and insane.  If it's quiet you never use the "q word" (So another realization there are multiple words you don't use depending on the situation the c word (commitment) the M word (marriage) the L word (Love))  if you use the q word all hell breaks loose.  Case in point is the previous example with the sweet older woman saying goodbye.  Although I was proud of myself I was able to assist. 
2. I am now running an a capella group.  I've become the musical dictator or benevolent despot, or something about a mugwhump (per a friend I wish I knew what a mugwhump was)  I've gotten better musically, even better rhythmically.  (Bm Bm BM!) 
So I'm going to try restarting this.  Lets see what happens.
Love Me!

Men bah Hambug

So there was a guy I was semi-interested in, I cooked for him planned 2 b-day parties for him. Basically, was totally enjoying him one of us would start a song the other would finish it. He had a crazy fun awesome sense of humor. Last night, after his second birthday party again I was enjoying hanging out with him, he turned to me and said I need to find someone to date. I jokingly said how about me, there was no response he then asked me about a friend of mine (who actually knows how I feel.) He couldn't figure out why (once we were in my apt and I was preparing his birthday cake that I had already baked and was in the process of icing) I was in such a bad mood.
Today, I had a date that I had no wish to go on. I went anyway, I met my friend this am we went clothes shopping, I explained to her the guy deserved makeup but not my contacts. I also had no time to shower this morning... As I was coming back from shopping as it turns out I had seen him coming off of the train. He had a beard, his bangs were sticking up. He informed me during the course of the date that at one point when he was a young teenager he broke his older brother's dream catcher why b/c he decided it was a form of idol worship. (To quote BSG "are you frakking kidding me?) He also was a rabbi name dropper. Every time we attempted to talk about something he ended up dropping another rabbi's name. I was bored. The best part of the date? I got 2 pieces of pizza for free.

Rant time

So my ex-coworkers and I had an interesting joke... They hate anything with needles especially a needle needed for blood work. I on the other hand couldn't care less. Take as much as you want. All I ask is DO NOT MAKE ME PEE IN A CUP. Ever since I was little I have not been able to do so. I can chug bottles of water and still won't go. I think this practice of peeing a cup was clearly discovered by a man. No woman in their right mind would believe that sitting down and putting something between your legs (which lets face it most women do not usually deal with when they are in the bathroom) is a normal experience. My dad has informed me that I have hated doing this (and to some extent it traumatizes me) every time. So my new job is starting which means they have to do a drug test. Alas that means peeing in a cup. 3 bottles of water half a bottle of zero-ade and I still can't go. They were totally making fun of me. I found it amusing, and frustrating. Finally, I'm able to do what I need to do but it took me almost an hour. I'm sitting there doing jumping jacks in the bathroom walking in the bathroom, still no luck. I don't know if this is something I should practice at home, which is ridiculous in and of itself or just keep dealing with the frustration. I'm sure one of these days I'll figure it out.

I'm a klutz but you knew that.

So last night I was talking to a Saw You at Sinai dude(a Jewish dating website.) I'm a little bored so I'm multitasking as usual. I'm putting away some dried dishes when I got attacked by 3 of my shot glasses. 1 landed in the sink, 1 landed in a bowl that was in the sink, the last hit the floor and shattered. I of course am barefoot in the kitchen cooking (I know it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke) and I was trying to get out of the kitchen but instead managed to step on a piece of glass. Ok so I can't walk and I hobble to my bed and had my cell phone right there (thank g-d)and called my parents who did not pick up. Called my really good friend/neighbor who came up with my keys and helped me. She is awesome. I asked her what she thought and her comment was that I should call Hatzala (for those of you who do not know it is a Jewish ambulance company they generally move faster than 911) They came, three married guys (I knew they were married b/c I asked) they did not have a flashlight (which I found mildly ridiculous how are you an EMT/Paramedic without flashlights) so my friend had to find one in my apt... I rarely use flashlights. Basically it was a wham bam thank you ma'am they think the glass is no longer in there and they left after recommending that I soak my foot in some soapy water and keep an eye on it. I'm doing that. In the meantime I went to the gym today and exercised on a bike attempted an elliptical machine but my foot decided that wasn't going to work. Ah well. Some things never change.

Male rant time!

So lately I've been going through a lot. I lost my grandmother, lost a bunch of friends, gained a job, (had to explain to the job that almost 2 weeks after I start I have to take off 5 days for Jewish holidays, and then a couple of months later have to take off two more.)[Being religious can be very difficult at times] (In terms of my grandmother she was a fascinating lady. Did not like to censor at all but I get several of my skills from her the fact that I knit, crochet, sew etc. She made all of her own clothes and always looked incredible!)
Now here comes the fun part regardless of all the other craziness lets add boys being difficult and annoying. Two of my college friends keep teasing me that i should become a lesbian I tease them back that they just want to watch should I become a lesbian. My frustration falls in that I'm not at the point where I am willing to become a lesbian so my guy friends can get their kicks. So I'm stick with heterogeneous relationships aka make/female. This would be fine. But the issue? I keep getting myself into lots and lots of trouble. The guy who I hadn't spoken to in a while b/c he was scared of me finally agreed to come to a shabbos meal. Yay. Then he changed his mind b/c he decided that there was another meal that he wanted to go to b/c there were people there that he didn't know as opposed to a meal where he knew them. After all he's been to my house a bunch of times. So therefore I should just let him rain check right? Yeah I was a little offended. Then there was another guy who seemed really interested. We were shmoozing, quite a bit. I actually kind of enjoyed him. Then oops he falls off the face of the planet. I invite him for a meal nope too busy, can't actually talk ever. Huh. One of these days my goal is to actually feel control in my life and not just feel like I'm being used abused etc. In the meantime I'm baking, cooking etc for the upcoming holiday Purim, still have to figure out my costume. Ah well.

My life currently

So this post is not going to be super exciting on the grounds that right now my life is rather quiet. I can say that lately I've been turning some guys down on Frumster. Number 1 I am not interested in a 22 year old. 2. I am not interested in a 70 something year old. You could be my grandfather. Although the range between the 2 seems to be a lot of fun.
Right now I am currently job searching. Job searching for those of you who have never experienced it SUCKS! Some of my friends call it funemployment. Yes there are aspects that can be fun. 1. I'm slowly catching up on my DVR stuff that I've taped. 2. I've rediscovered TV shows that I haven't seen in ages. The Nanny is really funny and right now seems to correspond to my life in that I'm 31 (Although Fran Fine/Aka Fran Drescher never admitted her true age), single etc. Also I still enjoy Home Improvement. Tim Taylor is great in that as I'm sure all of you know never gets anything right but periodically is sweet. 3. I'm still doing a lot of knitting and crocheting. 4. Once in a blue moon I go out on interviews etc. 5. Sleeping in and going to sleep really late I've turned into a night owl. Which means I now overlap with Israeli friends so I can talk to people on G-chat and Facebook.
Lastly, tonight I hung out with some college friends. I find this ironic although we overlapped for at least a couple of years it seems we still had different college experiences. I did not spend most of my college years drinking. They seemed to have done so. It was still a lot of fun and absolutely amazing to catch up some with some of the people there. Although at one point I turned to a friend of mine there (we were college freshmen together) and I made the comment that am I the only single person here? His comment? No there are at least 2 others here who aren't. Oh? Who? My son (He's 3), and the other kid he's a couple of months old. My comment. Thank you dear.